It had been over a month since Caedwyn had found Enya wandering in the grasslands. It felt like a dream, in the way that dreams felt unreal and fleeting. It felt like this reality might slip from his grasp at any moment. At first he felt as though at any moment he would turn his head and Enya would be gone. Each morning he awoke and would go to find her, wondering if he’d discover that all of this had been a figment of his imagination and that she was never there at all. But every time he sought her out, he would eventually find her again. As the days passed, it felt more and more real. Of course, it wasn’t as though he spent every moment with her. They each had their own things to attend to. He couldn’t help his heart feeling that little flutter of relief when he saw her again. He guiltily wondered whether it was simply the relief of not being alone anymore. Would he feel the same if anyone else had been the one he found? Or was it simply because it was Enya?
He had thought about it for many days… perhaps even weeks. It plagued him. And in the end he came to the same conclusion each time. He had left others behind. He’d left Vrolga, where he could have had the company of a pack. And even here in this Realm, it wasn’t as though they were the only wolves. He could have easily enough found company with one of the roamers that passed through. But time and time again he always came back to Enya - even when they had been at odds… even when they had fought and torn each other's flesh. It was as though an invisible thread connected their paths together.
His thoughts wandered over this as he found himself meandering the jungle in the afternoon warmth. It was still late winter, but the jungle didn’t suffer from the cold like other types of terrain. Instead the winter brought moist, cool air and lots of rain. It made him think of his birthplace, the Kayok Jungle, and his old pack. There had been so many memories made there. A life had been lived there.
It wasn’t long before he came upon Enya’s scent. He’d been looking for her all morning. With his mind still on the memories of the past, his steps picked up with a slight briskness as he searched her out. “Enya? Are you here?” he announced through the thick foliage, as he couldn’t yet see her. “It’s me, Caedwyn.” He pushed forward, shoving thick leaves and branches out of the way. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”
A month had passed by already in this strange land and place. A long, depressing month. Each morning she woke she'd looked to her side to see if somehow her son or familiar had returned to her. She woke to see if she could wake herself from this dream she felt trapped in. Why did she leave? Why did she leave the kingdom behind? If she had stayed, would Ridley and Buck still be with her? Was Ridley even looking for her, or had he taken her vanishing as a blessing and walked the opposite way? She was sure Buck was happy to be rid of her, able to return to the life of a stag. He had to be alive. She knew this because of her link to him. Occasionally she would get feelings of joy or happiness. Sometimes excitement. Sometimes she could feel anger - he must have staked out a claim to lands somewhere she could not access. And yet, when she felt these brief glimpses of emotions, she could never pinpoint where they were coming from.
At least she wasn't entirely alone. She had Caedwyn with her. It wasn't the same as having her family or familiar close by. There weren't those genetic or magical bonds to link the two. But alas, he was company, and he was better company than her own miserable self. She'd thrown it all away again. Again. And here she was, at rock bottom once more. It were these thoughts that plagued her when she woke from her slumbers, at least, until Caedwyn came to check in on her.
It felt like a dance to Enya that the two wolves were performing with one another. She craved companionship fiercely. She had never been good at being alone with herself. Her most successful bouts were when she was a raging alcoholic, only able to tolerate herself and her emotions through the haze of booze. She was incredibly grateful for the time that Caedwyn spent with her, but tried to hide it and brush it off. She didn't want him to know how desperately she needed someone's company. Each morning he came by, she greeted him with a smile, wagging tail, and affectionate nuzzles as packmates would. Then, once caught up with one another, sometimes they would hunt together, explore together, and sometimes they would part ways. What Caedwyn didn't know was that during those times they parted ways, she would wish they hadn't. She'd find a spot, settle down, and desperately try to scry anyone she could just to see a glimpse of them.
The only wolf or creature for that matter she ever was successful at scrying was Caedwyn.
With the heat and humidity of the jungle nearly suffocating Enya with its thick embrace, she took to her natural element this day to cool off and relax. The best part about jungles is they were full of riverways, creeks, and pools of water. Drawn to it like mosquitoes, Enya found herself a secluded pond. Soft rocks covered in moss and algae created a natural barrier, forming a decently sized pool - one large enough for a small ecosystem of fish and waterlife to thrive. Unfortunately for her, she'd yet to find any arowana fish in the waterways. So instead, she'd snatched up a bass like fish for her meal and had settled down on one of the rocks to pick at the carcass. She ate with little enthusiasm as she pondered her most recent failed attempt at scrying with her crystal. She knew it worked. She'd been able to find Caedwyn with it. Yet, she could not see anyone else. Not Ridley, or Renya, or Syrah, or Arachne or Persephone. Not Meliodas, or Ember, or Talulah. Not Buck. Not Ixora. Not a single wolf or creature from her past. Was it something to do with this world? Or... were some dead?
'Enya? Are you here?' At the sound of Caedwyn's call, Enya shook her head to shake the troublesome thoughts away. When he announced who it was, Enya couldn't help but smirk. She knew it was him. She could pick his voice out of a hundred wolves at this point. He pushed through the dense foliage and Enya sat up, perching on her rock with her picked at meal between her front paws. Various scales littered her toes and muzzle, but she didn't bother to get rid of them. He'd seen her in worse shape and condition before.
At his approach, her tail swayed slowly behind her. When he mentioned wanting to talk, however, it stilled. Such words were always nerve wracking to her. Usually when someone said 'I wanted to talk to you', it wasn't a good thing. Her eyes traced the scars on his face, his shoulders and legs. Some of those were from her. She suddenly felt a pit swell in her gut.
Outwardly, she smiled at him and forced her tail to continue swaying. "I've got some fish here if you'd like. I thought I was hungry, but it seems my appetite has escaped me." She reached down with her muzzle, snagged the fish up, and gently leapt from the short rock to approach Caedwyn. There, the fish was dropped at his paws for him to decide if he'd accept it or not. "What did you want to talk about?" her tone was gentle, but inside her fears were screaming at her. There were so many possibilities of what he could say and her mind went to the worst ones. 'I think it's time we go our separate ways. I've found a pack I'm joining. I'm tired of being around you. I can never forgive you for what you did to me, so I'm through with you. You're a bounty here, and I've come to collect my reward.'
He’d been looking for her and yet when she turned toward him, he felt hesitation. Her tail was wagging and her demeanor seemed pleasant. She even dropped a fish at his feet, offering it to him. “Oh, uh, yes … thank you,” he replied, moving the fish with his paws a bit as she asked what it was he wanted to talk about. She’d offered him more than just a fish. It was an excuse to not answer right away. It was a distraction for him to fiddle with as he mustered up the courage to go through with his thoughts. Looking at the fish for a second more, he lowered his head and picked at it with his teeth, quickly pulling it apart to eat. It was too late to go back now. He’d already said he was here to talk to her… and he wasn’t a coward. That’s what he told himself.
Besides what was the worst that could happen when he’d spilled all his thoughts? She could leave. She could be angry. She might resent me. His heart began to beat faster. It only took a moment for him to eat the fish but his thoughts were racing; and the fish was quickly disappearing. He could only eat it for so long. He could only put off the inevitable for so long.
The fish was gone. It was time.
He lifted his head, his ears forward with a moment of confidence as his eyes looked directly for hers. It was only a moment as he tried to meet her gaze and then just as quickly as he hoped to find it, his eyes darted away. He took a breath and spoke. How did he tell her? “I think…” he started and then paused as he wondered if the words were right. “I’m tired of searching.” He finally said it. He looked back to her, hoping she’d understand. But how was he supposed to tell a mother to stop searching for her child? It wasn’t as simple as it seemed. It wasn’t about being tired. It wasn’t an inconvenience. It was something else. But he couldn’t find the words at first to explain. “That’s not exactly what I mean,” he added thoughtfully. “I mean… if you ask it of me… I would help you search until the trees grow tall enough to touch the moon. If you ask it of me, I will follow.” How was he supposed to explain to her what he meant? “But…” the word hung heavily in the air with a long drawn out pause as he looked at her with a pleading face. “... what happens when you don’t find what you’re searching for? I want more for us. I want more than heartache and longing. ”
Caedwyn took the offered fish dropped at his paws and started to pick at it. She figured he would continue the conversation as he ate, but instead he remained silent intently pulling apart the offered meal. As he ate, Enya settled back down into a sit, waiting patiently. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, but turned her gaze around them otherwise, keeping an eye for predators besides them in the area.
Soon enough the offered meal was eaten and Caedwyn had scales on his own muzzle to match hers. She felt his gaze shift to her and she turned to look at him back in full. Immediately, his gaze fell away. Was something up with him? It only made the nervousness she felt inside more potent. Her tail stopped swaying when he started to speak, her front paws shuffling nervously. ‘I’m tired of searching’.
So. That’s what this was about. He was tired of helping her. He was tired of following her orders, despite her efforts to treat him as an equal and not a subservient in this new realm. It had been a huge ask of him. She knew this. Caedwyn owed her nothing and yet he’d still agreed to help her, even offered it. It had been a month. How could she just expect him to keep searching with her? This was it. He was going his own way. She’d be alone once more, still stuck and searching for the remnants of her past.
Or so her mind told her in a split second as he lingered to elaborate. It was when his gaze caught hers that her mind stopped with its punishment. It was something in his eyes that made it stop. He spoke, elaborated his thoughts, and Enya sat silently listening. Trying to understand what he was saying to her. The anxiety in her simultaneously melted away and grew anew all in one split second. What… what was he trying to say here?
Enya’s front paws shuffled faster as she subconsciously scratched marks in the soil beneath. The air around them seemed to thicken. The sounds of the jungle melted away and the space around her grew silent. The trickle of flowing water, the sounds of jungle birds, of the wind blowing, of distant calls of primates, they all disappeared into nothing. The only sound she heard at that moment was Caedwyn’s voice.
He asked her a question she’d never considered. ‘What happens when you don’t find what you’re searching for?’ Failure wasn’t an option, she almost immediately spoke up. Before she could, before she could interrupt him and demand that despite his weak will, she would find what she was looking for, he made a statement. She suddenly realized that he wasn’t talking about Ridley or Buck or the rest of her family. He was talking about something larger. Something she’d been chasing her whole life, only to find bits and pieces of it through her time. ‘I want more for us. I want more than heartache and longing.’
‘I want more for us’
What did he mean? What did that mean? Even Caedwyn’s voice vanished from her mind, a loud ringing sound taking over in her head. Her body was still. Her paws had stopped fiddling with the dirt. Her tail remained motionless as she stared at the wolf before her: handsome, faithful, always there when she needed someone. Loyal. Her teal eyes traced the scars on his face over and over again. They’d torn one another apart. She’d banished him. She’d ruined his life when she’d had the power to do so. Then she’d saved him. She’d told him that there’s more to live for. He’d watched from the shadows while she claimed her title as Queen of the jungle, watched while she had two mates of her own to galavant around with at her pleasure. He’d fought with one of them. Had this been an underlying reason why? Is that why Rin had become so aggressive during the encounter? Was it more than just a spat about rights and wrongs?
She wanted to run. Every thread in her body was taut, ready to spring and bolt from the presumed confession. She wasn’t ready for this again. As much as she hated to admit it, she was still hung up on her past. Rin, her beloved Rin. He’d brought down the world for her, and even Tsillah could not consume his soul. Was he still frozen in place in the desert she had nearly died in? She’d convinced herself that Andromache had cast a spell on her, entranced her. Letting go of those feelings were easier. Meliodas had shown her a side of her she’d never considered before. Despite going their separate ways, she still longed for his warm winged embrace on occasion.
Now here was Caedwyn, throwing a twist into her life. She couldn’t leave him in silence any longer. As quickly as her mind rushed and processed, she knew that it had still left a moment of emptiness between them. He had paused, expecting a response. So far, she’d said nothing, simply stared at him with shock. She shook her head, dropped her gaze, and the sounds of the world returned to her. Her heart pounded in her chest. She had to make sure she understood his meaning correctly. She had to make sure she wasn’t taking his words differently than he intended. When she spoke, her tone was low and careful. Guarded. “What are you trying to say, Caedwyn?”
Caedwyn had a way of overthinking things. His thoughts and feelings raced within, but what came out had a way of twisting up and being something else. Maybe that was why Enya’s response wasn’t so clear either. “What are you trying to say, Caedwyn?” His ears flipped backwards immediately as the words hit him. It was hard enough putting his desires out there for her judgment. But now she wanted him to explain. Was it a trick question? Were his thoughts so ludicrous that she was testing his own logic? But he didn’t want her to leave him. If she rejected him, what would happen to them then? His eyes moved away from hers, looking to the thick foliage around them. He could hear the wind rustling through the trees and the buzz of insects, and the faint calling of creatures and birds in the distance.
“I want a home, Enya.” He finally said it, his voice soft but surprisingly confident. “I don’t want to keep watching you tear your heart apart each day, searching. That isn’t life… that isn’t happiness.” He turned back toward her. “But I don’t want to lose you again either. So I’m asking you to choose. If you want to keep wandering, I will follow. But, if you want more - “ his eyes seemed to brighten a bit and his ears cupped forward with curiosity, with anticipation. “- if you want more than dead-ends and disappointments, I will make this a home for us. I’m not asking you to give up. I’m asking you to live your life, here, with me, in this place.“
Her response didn’t seem to be the one he was looking for. His ears folded back. His eyes moved away from her, moving to look around them as she had done before. It only heightened the anxiety that she felt within herself. It took every ounce of her self-control to still her mind, still her body from visibly shaking from the encounter. This was tougher than any fight she’d been in through her life. This was tougher than confessing her love for Rin, Andromache, Meliodas. She wasn’t good at these sort of situations. She was good with confidence. She was good with those who just said what they wanted to say and left it at that. It was easier to respond to those sort of situations, because then there was no confusion or misunderstanding.
This dance. This tango. It was confusing for her. Exhausting. Her already mentally-drained mind was worse for wear, and this conversation wasn’t making it any easier. Perhaps she should have slinked away when she’d heard him calling for her. She could have avoided this whole interaction.
That wasn’t how friends treated their friends, though. They were supposed to be there to listen. To comfort. To soothe. Remembering this, she stilled her anxiety and grit her teeth. She wouldn’t let her emotions rule her life once more and destroy what little she had remaining.
‘I want a home’ Confidence flowed from him this time. The sheepish wolf she’d witnessed a moment ago had seemingly disappeared at her prompting to explain further. He elaborated. He spoke aloud what she’d been feeling for the past month. She’d been miserable. She’d been chasing a longing with a hopeless end in sight. He wanted her to choose. He wanted her to decide right here and now if she was going to continue scouring the lands for her hopes and dreams, or if she was going to settle. Caedwyn’s words at the heart were kind. She felt it. She understood that he was only proposing this as an option to help her. However, the self-harming side of her made her fold her own ears backwards and turn her gaze downwards. She felt a feeling of resentment towards Caedwyn suddenly. He was telling her to choose between finding her family, or between giving up on them. She’d given up on so much already. A heavy sigh escape Enya as her head hung low. Her entire posture shifted from anxious to slumped and depressed. “That’s a heavy choice to make so suddenly.” she muttered towards him. “Most of my life I've given up on various parts of it. I gave up on Ixora and took her place in Vrolga. I gave up on finding a cure for Rin. I gave up on Andromache. I gave up on my children. I gave up on repairing Vrolga. I gave up on my second chance at life with Meliodas. I gave up on the people in my kingdom. Now, you’re asking me to give up once more.” Her eyes tilted upwards to look at Caedwyn, though her body posture remained defeated. He had clearly stated that he was not asking for her to give up, but those words were lost to her. To her, that’s exactly what it would be if she settled here with him. “I’d just be running away again, leaving my problems behind.” Her signature move she’d used throughout her entire life.
“I used to believe that my surname was a curse, a foretold fortune. Fault. I am a fault to this world. Every action, every decision is a fault of my own. Every encounter, my faults ruin them in ways only one with my surname could do.” She was rambling now, speaking aloud her thoughts to Caedwyn so he could try and understand why such a choice was so difficult to make.
“I met my mother in the planes of the eternal, with a dreamwalker guiding me. She told me that my surname is a blessing. It’s our family’s way of proving that we are more than a fault on this planet. Embrace it, she said. Display your faults proudly. Let others judge you, and let others fail to see you for what you truly are.” She wasn’t making any sense, but it was important to her - suddenly - for Caedwyn to know why she was so hard on herself. It was important for him to see that she understood that she was not perfect. It was important for him to see that she was trying to be better than the wolf she was before. “How is it embracing my surname when it feels like I'm just following the same path once more?” A rhetorical question to Caedwyn, but a question that she posed to him regardless. “I don’t think my own happiness is more important than changing how I react to situations. I’ve had happiness. I don’t know if I deserve more. What does my own happiness matter when there are those who depend on me that I’m leaving behind?”
He did feel a bit guilty, springing this on so suddenly. Even he couldn’t deny that such a choice would be hard to make and he had said nothing about giving her time to think it over. He could see how it looked like he was demanding an answer from her, and in a way he was. He desired for things that weren’t yet there and he feared if he walked away from her now that they would never be. It would be far to easy for her to disappear again. He listened as she spoke about those she had given up on: Ixora, Rin, Andromache. And names he didn’t know. And she said he was asking her to give up on them. “I’m not asking -” he started to speak but cut himself off as she continued. “I’d just be running away again, leaving my problems behind.” He watched her, silent now and not finishing his earlier words. This was the heart of it. He was asking her to choose between herself and everyone else… or at least, that must have been how it seemed to Enya. His heart sank as he stood quietly, letting her continue to talk about her past. It sank for the pain he felt he caused her. It sank for the disappointment and the feeling of failure she had gone through.
But she wasn’t a failure. Not to him. She had caused pain. She had overcame pain. And he had found her again. Those things were not failures. He wasn’t going to let her be a failure. “ I’ve had happiness. I don’t know if I deserve more.“ His brow furrowed at the words and a concerned anger rose in him. She was asking him if she deserved happiness. She was saying that choosing a life here meant that she was somehow unworth of happiness. “You’re not leaving them behind, Enya,” he said his voice a bit stern. “I’m not asking you to give up. I’m asking you to stay.” He put emphasis on the last word and then took a calming breath, relaxing his face and his voice before he continued. “This isn’t giving up.” He repeated the sentence, as though saying it out loud again would make her see what it was he truly wanted for her. “I’m asking you to make a place where we can all come home to. All of us. Everyone who is still out there… Ridley… Buck… and anyone else your heart still searches for.“ His eyes searched her face, hoping to discern any change, any hint there about how she was feeling. He wondered who else there was. She had said many names: those he knew; and those he didn’t. But he didn’t care who they were anymore. He would take them all if it meant they could claim their happiness once more. “I will make a home for them. For us. If you want to live up to your name, set your foot upon the ground - “ he extended his leg, slamming his paw on the ground as he spoke. “A fault is a place where the ground separates, and where it comes together anew. It is where mountains form and trees tremble. Let us make a place where we can reunite those who have strayed. So when you finally find those you are searching for, they won’t have to wander anymore. They’ll have a home.” His words grew impassioned as he pressed his paw harder into the dirt in front of him. His posture straightened and his ears turned forward. Eyes gleamed as he searched her form again. Please. His mind screamed. Please. There had to be more for them. There had to be more than running away and feeling like they didn’t deserve the future. They had come through too much to simply float along in hopelessness.
“All I’m asking is for you to stay. We can do this. Together.”
The suddenly stern tone made Enya tilt her gaze upwards from the ground. Her ears perked forward, shock evident in her face that he would speak to her with such a tone. Could he not read body language? Could he not see that she was miserable with this conversation?
Her mind suddenly took control, and she saw a sudden flashback of them, back in Vrolga, back in the Kayok Jungle, back when he’d looked just as miserable as she felt. Back when he had given up, and when she had gotten stern with him. This wasn’t exactly the same situation, but her mind drew enough similarities to help her realize that he had taken up such a tone simply to help her.
His figure softened as he went on to explain, to help her see that what he had proposed to her was simply a different way of searching for those she loved and cared for. Hearing Ridley’s name made her heart clench. Her beloved son. The only child of hers who had stuck with her through her life. He had twisted the story into a narrative she could agree upon. It wasn’t giving up. It was offering them a place of safety, a place of love and affection, should they find their way to her. To him. To their home.
His paw slamming on the ground startled her. It had been an unexpected action, causing her to sit up stronger, to watch and listen. He spoke further, and a fire twinkled in her eyes. She could do that. She could build up a place of safety, a place where strays could settle and make a home. She had tried before and failed. That didn’t mean she was a failure. It just meant that she knew what not to do for the next time.
Was that next time now?
With a slow and meticulous movement, Enya lifted herself up and stood, pulling herself from her slumped sit and standing tall and proud. Her tail flagged behind her. Her ears pricked forward as she stared at Caedwyn’s paw. The soil had parted where he had pressed hard. Enya placed, deliberately, her own paw beside his, touching her fur against his own. There was a seriousness on her face that would tell Caedwyn that he’d helped her see the light. It wasn’t going to be as easy as he made it sound, but then, since when was she the wolf to take the easy route?
Never.
Her eyes glowed as she stared at their now touching paws. Ice appeared first around her paw, encasing it, and then moved to snake over Caedwyn’s. The two would be frozen together as Enya nodded her head, finally shifting her gaze upwards to meet Caedwyn’s. She held it for a moment, took a large breath, then said firmly, “I will stay. We will do this. Together.” The icy grip around their two paws suddenly evaporated into a cloud of steam. She could do this. She could do this, because she wasn’t alone.
Caedwyn watched silently with rapt attention, waiting for a response from Enya. His heart was beating fast and his breath was tight and shallow as he hardly breathed at all. Please. He needed her to understand. His eyes widened as he noticed movement from her. Her paw slid out and was placed next to his. He kept still, watching as ice formed around her paw and then touched his own. His gaze moved back up to her face as he noticed her nodding. “I will stay. We will do this. Together.” His heart fluttered as she spoke, finally agreeing to his proposition.
“Together.” he echoed, nodding his head back at her before stepping forward, finally shaking free from the ice bond that held their paws together. He pushed his neck to the side of hers in a supportive embrace.
There was much work to do ahead of them now. But now finally they could move forward.
