A wide ravine where a shallow, gentle river flows. Years of drought and silt deposits have built this area into a fertile delta. The river remains low and dry most of the year, staining its waters brown and creating muddy shores.
"Caedwyn..." The way she said his name felt like a warm welcome. It didn't seem to hold a tone of displeasure or rejection and Caedwyn took this as a sign she had accepted his actions. The back of her paw brushed against his face and he pushed his head into it, allowing her to more fully caress him (if she desired to do so). At her touch, his paw that had been lifted moved and his shifted his weight to place his leg to the other side of her, so that his forelegs were straddling to each side of her and he lowered himself, relaxing his weight until his chest came down against hers, the front half of his body laying atop her. "Are you sure this is what you want?"
When she spoke, his head dropped down to the side of hers and pushed into her, his eyes closing as he felt a sense of relief. Part of him was so scared that she was immediately going to push him away, to reject his touch. He had no idea of the inner turmoil and uncertainty of her thoughts. All he knew was that he was still here, right now in this moment, beside her, embracing her. He flicked his head to nuzzle her cheek. He wanted this. He wanted her. He felt a wave of emotion pour over him and felt as though all this time he had been denying himself to admit it. All the times he had been so angry with her seemed to wash away. All the times he was overjoyed when fate brought their paths together again; He felt now that all along he had suffered simply because he couldn't admit to himself how much he longed for her all this time. And he'd been too cowardly to do something about it. He had been angry when he missed her becoming Tsilltan. He'd been angry when he found out she was mated to Rin. Angry when she didn't trust him. It was all because he hadn't shown her he was worth something. And now finally he was here with her.
"I want you like the moon wants the night." He wanted to scream to her. To beg and plead for her to acknowledge him and take him in her grasp and embrace him in return. He wanted to consume her, to have every fiber of her being and make her his so that she would never slip away again. He had already promised to follow her. He had promised her a home. But he wanted more.
As he lay atop her, he could feel the rise and fall of her chest breathing, his own breathing just as quick and heavy with excitement. He could feel the thump-thump of a racing heartbeat. Was that his own heart or hers? How would he know if she desired someone? The thought intruded into his mind once more. Was this desire? The touch of her paw had been gentle and yet some part of him hesitated. She had asked him what he wanted. That was far from saying what she wanted. A shiver ran through his body, from head to toe. A tingling sensation moved through him. He wanted her. Her words cracked the confidence that had once moved through him and a splinter of doubt worked it's way to his core. He was ready for this moment but, what if she didn't want him in return?
His body felt hot. Was it the way they were touching doing this to him? or was it the heat of the afternoon, slowly turning to evening. The buzz of cicadas rang in his ears and her words echoed in his mind. He wanted to show her what he wanted, but the doubt had crept in. He wasn't about to force himself on her if that wasn't what she wanted, but she hadn't said no. She hadn't recoiled at his touch nor had she pushed him away. Her touch had been so gentle to him just now. Surely that meant she wanted this also. So why had she asked him that question? Was he just overthinking all of this?
"If my Queen wants it," his words came out in a slow, low tone, lingering flirtatiously with a slight pause. His mouth parted slightly and he pushed his muzzle up from her cheek where he had caressed her, up to her ear. Using his teeth, he gently grabbed hold of her near near its base, nibbling and pulling it teasingly. "... make me yours and you shall have it." He would leave it up to her to decide now. She would have to give him a sign, he decided. It was the only way he'd know for sure.
Caedwyn chose not to answer her question as she posed it to him, well, he hadn't answer her verbally anyways. His actions said more than enough as he moved a front paw to straddle her body then proceeded to lower his chest to lay atop of hers. An embrace, one far more intement than any two friends would share with one another. It was very much against her personal list of rules. Those she embraced were either strangers to her, faces she'd likely never cross paths with again, or someone she was interested in continuing a relationship with. The later was the problem. She wasn't ready for another relationship yet. And yet, here she was, with handsome, muscular Caedwyn laying across her, both their hearts thumping, both their breaths quickening. He reached to nuzzle her cheek and she leaned into the action, her eyes still closed. 'Don't do this.' she told herself. 'Don't let this happen.' Her leg came up to wrap around him, to pull him down closer to her. Her body was directly disobeying what her mind was telling her. Every action he made to nuzzle her, to cuddle her, her body soaked up every single ounce of it while her mind screamed 'No!'
Her breath grew yet quicker, heavier, the anxiety and uncertainty of the situation causing a panic to swell within her. Why now? Why now? she wanted to ask him. Was it because she was the only familiar face around? Was it because he wanted to torment her? Why not so long ago, when she had been innocent to the world of romance? When she'd been a horrible flirt, and was hardly educated in the department of romance? Why now? He had her here, alone, for all intensive purposes pinned beneath him. If she denied his actions, denied his touch (as much as her body didn't want it to end!) would he grow angry with her? Had she let this go to far? She should have stopped it earlier, when they had laid side by side. She should have left him in the game of chase, disappearing into the woods for him to trail after her. She should have kept it professional. She should have done so many things differently that had lead up to this very moment. She should have enforced the idea that she wasn't ready for this right now. She should have made clear that their friendship was to remain just that: a friendship.
It was her fault that she'd put Caedwyn into this position. She'd let him catch her. She had let him embrace her. If she said no now... Would he back off? Would she be forced to wear a third paw around her neck? "If my Queen wants it... make me yours and you shall have it." he muttered to her, reaching from her cheek to nibble on her ear, sending another shiver down her spine as she leaned into the touch. My Queen he had said. My Queen she heard echoed by all of the other hearts that she'd broken in her past. But...
Those were the past. This was a new world. A new life. A new home and a new chance. A new chance for her and a new chance for him. She reached her other leg up to wrap it around Caedwyn's other side, snugging him down against her chest. Despite the sane parts of her brain screaming at her 'No! No no no! Don't do this to him! Don't treat him this way!' she reached her muzzle up to his ear and whispered, "Make me your Queen then." before returning the favor of nibbling on his ear, then trailing her teeth down the nape of his neck to his jaw line. Fuck it. was the final thought she had, for the second time in this encounter, before she let the strictly friendship cease to exist, and the start of something else grow.
ooc. Suggestive wording. Mature themes. Read at own risk.
ic.
He relaxed into her as her paw pulled him closer, moving his head down into the fur of her neck to feel her warmth. "Make me your Queen then." It left no room for doubt now that she had spoken. The command sent shivers through his body, like little jolts of electricity snapping long wires, and he fully intended to obey. He pulled his body forward, reaching up to her head once more to lick her maw as he growled out "Mine.", before shifting his weight into his back legs to lift himself slightly so he no longer had her pinned down. Without thinking, his body knew what to do instinctually. He lifted his paw and pushed against her shoulder, at the same time pushing his nose down under the back of her neck to encourage her to roll over. Unlike Enya, who may have been well versed in the ways of romance, Caedwyn was somewhat of a novice. And yet he didn't have to think about it now. His body felt like it was moving on its own as he lowered himself once more to accept the soft embrace of Enya's body. She was his, and he was hers.
The evening had crept forward and the sun hung low. Long shadows were cast by tall trees and the foliage all around them obscured them from the outside world. The hum of crickets filled the air, covering the soft, tender sounds of love, and fireflies had begun to twinkle here and there. The world beyond moved on its path, unaware of the moment shared by two wolves hidden away in the trees.
It was only a moment though. How long was unclear but before it was over, a poison had begun to fill in Caedwyn's body and mind. Though he was strong and able-bodied, Caedwyn was not as experienced as Enya (this thought was not at the front of Caedwyn's mind in the slightest but it did not change the fact it was truth). Even though he moved with desire and instinct, his body had felt the throws of nights-embrace once before now. This was not the first time, and his body remembered it, even if his mind did not. As he gave himself to the blissful moment, something in his body triggered a flashing memory. A familiar touch shivered across his body and his mind jumped to a darkened cave that smelled of salt and sea. The dark shadows of the evening blurred together with memories until his body wasn't sure what was reality and what was memory. A flash of brown fur. Of loves touch. Of drunken desire. But only little bits and pieces came to him. Though the memory was heavily obscured by the elixir of alcohol, Caedwyn's mind and body was able top piece together a broken truth.
Rather abruptly, Caedwyn's embrace ceased and he moved away from Enya. He was far from finished with her, but he had torn himself away. He was panting heavily and his body was hot. His fur was slicked with a slight wetness of sweat. His heartbeat rumbled in his chest and into his ears, blood pulsing through him. She was his. His mind repeated over and over, and yet he suddenly felt cold. Was it just the coolness of the evening wind seeping in against his damp fur? He held himself still but felt like trembling. He had remembered something in that moment. He had remembered something that ale and rum had hidden from him for the past years.
He suddenly felt ashamed of himself. Why was he thinking of this now? Why NOW? He turned his head away from Enya, not able to see how she had reacted to him now. Somehow it felt like a betrayal. Why was he thinking of that night? He had forgotten it even happened. But his body remembered. It wasn't like it meant anything. So why did his stomach suddenly feel queasy? He wanted nothing more than to sink into the night next to Enya, to feel her embrace until he was spent and his legs gave up from under him. But his body remembered. He wasn't drunk this time. The choice to be here with Enya had been made with a clear head. He had made her his!
So why? What were these mixed emotions that were welling up inside of him?
"I'm sorry." he finally managed to whisper out, his voice shaking. He kept his head turned away from her still, not able to look at her. Though he hadn't been thinking of it before, he was now reminded that this was not Enya's first experience. He wasn't fully aware of how experienced she was, but he knew enough to suddenly feel self concious. She deserved better than this. She deserved someone that could at least finish the job. She must have been so disappointed in him. What an embarrassment! He had finally worked up the courage to make a move and he had fumbled. Had he ruined everything?
"Mine" he growled into her as he took her into his embrace, encouraging her to roll over so the two could spend a blissful moment together in the shelter of the woods. The shadows of the trees stretched long as the sun sank down to the horizon. Despite the terrain being less than ideal, somehow the scene had turned magical in a sense with fireflies sparkling in the air and crickets singing the tunes of dusk. She'd made her decision. She'd decided that she would give herself to Caedwyn. He'd been eager to make his claim of her. He'd acted eagerly. Or... he'd started to do so, to say the least.
Within moments, the scene went from perfect bliss to a disaster. He left her. He left her standing there and alone. She panted, looked back at him, and stared at him in disbelief. He left her and had moved away from her. What... what had happened just now? Why did he leave her, when she'd finally, finally let herself fall into his embrace? Enya's heart pounded in her chest as she turned her body fully around, staring at him in disbelief. He panted equally as hard as she did - a result of such an embrace - and he turned his head away from her.
So... this had been his plan. This had been his cruel, sick joke all along. He would lure her in, like a siren of the seas, and just when she finally let her guard down, he'd rip himself away. She'd believed him. She had believed him when he told her that she would be his equal. She was a fool. She was a stupid god damn fucking FOOL to fall into such a trap. Her addiction had played her just as much as Caedwyn had. Enya's ears folded back and her tail came down low, between her legs. She felt red hot, and part of it was because of what had just happened between the two of them, but most of it came from sheer embarrassment. She hadn't been ready for this - especially for Caedwyn to play her with such a sick, cruel joke.
"I'm sorry" he whispered, hardly loud enough for her to hear him past her labored breathing and her pounding heart. It felt like it was going to burst from her chest. Her legs quivered as the panic started to set in. Panic, because if she couldn't trust Caedwyn, how was she supposed to trust anyone else here? She. Was. Alone. Six months. Six months she'd spent alongside Caedwyn, and he'd played this joke on her. Half a year she'd been here with him, sharing dens with him, sharing meals and stories and conversation. "I'm sorry" he had said. Sorry because she'd been so stupid? Sorry because she'd believed him? Sorry because it had taken him this long to woo her? He really had been in it for the long game. He'd always been in it for the long game, she started to realize. He'd brought up their first meeting. She'd called him by his nickname he'd offered to her. He'd reference the necklace. He'd given the necklace to her, and yet here he was. He still wouldn't look at her. He could at least let her see the wicked grin she was sure was plastered across his face. Was it her eyes seeing things, or was he chuckling? Was she hearing laughter? Was the laughter coming from him, or was it coming from her own mind screaming at her how fucking stupid she had been? Her heart pounded harder as she felt a rage build within her. How dare he lure her in as he had done.
Enya felt a sudden urge to rip Caedwyn to pieces, to finish the fight they'd had so long ago with one another. He hadn't forgiven her. He'd held a grudge this entire time, and took advantage of her vulnerability. No, she'd let him take advantage of her vulnerability. Her lips pulled back as she barred her fangs but ceased to growl alongside it. 'I told you so' her mind taunted, 'I told you it was a horrible idea. This is your mistake. Deal with the consequences of not keeping your paws to yourself after I warned you.' She breathed heavily as she started to take short, quick breaths. His back was turned. She could leap upon him and rip his neck before he could have time to react. Better yet, she could use her power over water to freeze him, or even boil him alive from inside. Her options reeled in her mind as she stared at him, stared at the wolf who wouldn't look at her, yet her body remained motionless and still - aside from the shaking and lip quivering.
"I'm... sorry?" she repeated, her tone low and dangerous as she stared at Caedwyn with daggers in her eyes. It had to be daggers, because if it wasn't daggers, she was afraid they would be tears instead. How could she do this. How could she let herself believe that the relationship between her and Caedwyn had been something akin to friendship? She knew how. He'd been so fucking good at playing the part. That was how. He'd made her promises of walking beside her when she needed some comfort. He'd made her the promise of finally having a home, something that the two of them would create together. He'd even fooled her into believing that such a thing was the truth, meeting up with her to exchange information and details, depicting what the realm they were in was full of, and how they might take advantage of it together. Tonight, he'd wanted to take her as not just Queen, but as his Queen.
He had embraced her, then tore himself away, making Enya feel absolutely positively disgusting. Whore. That's what Enya was. She was as dirty as they came, letting her promiscuous side rule and dictate her life. Ever since she'd discovered that side of her, she had embraced it. For fuck's sake, she'd had two mates at the same time at one point in her life. It had taken her only months to fall for Meliodas. And in between? She'd spent plenty of time in the darker parts of town, or in the brothel's of the kingdom. She was beautiful. She was elegant. She was strong. It was easy for her to find someone to spend the night with. And yet with Caedwyn, she had hesitated. She had hesitated because she didn't want to ruin it. Yet it had been ruined anyways. She should have said no. She would have been able to avoid his whole plot if she had just listened to her god damn fucking brain.
But then... why did he say sorry? What could possibly cause him to utter such words to her, when he'd just played her so brilliantly? Caedwyn was a loyal wolf, wasn't he? He was a wolf who was trustworthy. She'd turned her back on him in his time he needed her - his pack - the most, and yet still he had set aside their differences in the end. Tsillah had passed her judgment on them. Tsillah had gifted them both a second chance of life after both had nearly lost (or did lose) their first. Tsillah had placed the two of them together in this realm for them to find one another once more. He was a believer of Tsillah. He'd referenced her multiple times in the past months they'd spent here together in this realm.
Tsillah also prided herself in raising tricksters.
Perhaps Caedwyn was loyal to her and not to Enya herself. Perhaps this was Enya's punishment for seeking guidance from other gods aside from the one. It was hard to hear anything past her hammering heart, past her short, quick breaths, past the panic that crept up, past the internal wound freshly opened by Caedwyn himself. "Why..." she growled out, her body refusing to obey her mind once more. It was the only syllable she was capable of muttering as she fought back the hurt and ache from his actions, from his rejection. There had to be more to the situation, else she feared that she'd run from Caedwyn, abandon this 'home', and never trust another wolf ever again. If this was the sort of life she would live, the one wolf she trusted playing such cruel tricks on her, then she would curse Tsillah. She hadn't been ready for this. She should have told him no, and owned herself as Queen, like her mind had screamed at her to do. 'Live with the consequences' was all her mind echoed with sheer mockery.
He couldn't see the sharp gaze she laid upon him. When she answered, her words echoed his own. Her tone wasn't apologetic. She wasn't apologizing. Her words sounded annoyed, or maybe confused. Definitely not apologizing. It was like a mockery of what he'd just said to her. He didn't respond to it and kept himself still, his head turned and hung somewhat low. His ears were flipped back in disappointment though perhaps to her it may have looked like his ears were turned to listen to her words. His eyes closed and shut tightly. His jaw clenched. Such a failure! He wasn't sure he'd ever get another moment like this and it felt like all the longing he had for her was slipping just out of his reach. Why should she even give him the time of day after all this? He was a joke! Their friendship was fragile at best and he'd spectacularly ruined the moment with whatever the hell had come over him back there. Why would she bother giving him another chance if she thought he wasn't going to cross the finish line? She could have her choice of mates and it wasn't like Caedwyn could stop her from looking elsewhere if she desired. Was this where he lost her completely? He felt hot tears swell in his eyes and he shut them even tighter, hoping to keep them at bay. It was futile. The fur on his face was wet as the tears slipped silently down.
What have I done? I've ruined everything. He was angry and ashamed of himself. He was angry at the past. Angry that a drunken night so long ago had now managed to affect him now. Sure, he'd grown quite fond of Rosita back then, but it had all been a lie. He'd been a spy! It wasn't like he could ever really love Rosita. They'd never shared the hardships that he and Enya had. He wanted Enya. So why now did he suddenly remember that night? Most of all, he was angry at himself. If he had more control back then, if he'd not let himself get so drunk and partake in the pleasures of flesh this wouldn't have happened.
"Why..." she growled out. Enya's voice cut him and he let out a startled gasp, turning quickly toward her. She had growled at him. His watery eyes were looking directly at her now and he could see the burning hate in her eyes. He had betrayed and failed her. He wanted to show her how strong he was. He wanted to show her that he could make her his. But how could he do that when he couldn't even manage such a simple task as lying with her? If he couldn't even satisfy her, what kind of king was he? He wanted to scream out and apologize again. He wanted to explain all his doubts and worries but they rose up in his throat like a thick knot. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and his jaw quivered as he licked his lips in an uncomfortable way, trying to force words to come out. He had to face her wrath and the mockery that was sure to follow. A heat rose in his face. Was she able to see the embarrassment that burned on his cheeks?
"I-I must be a little rusty," he stammered out, his ears flicking backward in shame. It wasn't exactly the truth but it was the only thing he could manage to say. 'Rusty' was certainly twisting things. His mouth turned downward into a frown and he dipped his head to break eye contact with her. Could she see right through that lie? It felt just as shameful to imply that he was simply out of practice, but he didn't want her to think he was completely incompetent. And he certainly wasn't going to reveal that he'd been startled by remembering his night with Rosita. So what was the right thing to do here? He sighed heavily as he looked at the ground in front of her feet. "Wait." He said it heavily with a voice that was clearly a confession. "The truth is..." he took a breath in and let it out heavily. "This is kind of new for me. I haven't really had practice with ... well, you know... this."
His face burned even hotter. Was it showing through his fur? He felt like a teenager confessing a crush. He was certainly much too old to be admitting that he'd lived most of his life like a prude. He spent all this time flirting and implying suggestive things with nearly everyone he met - especially with Enya - only for the truth to come out that he had very little experience in that department. What would she think of him now?
She wasn't sure if it was the word that she said, or if it was how she said it that caused Caedwyn to finally face her, to see what he'd done to her. When he did, she expected to see him grinning ear to ear. She expected to see a wicked glint in his eye. 'You stupid bitch, you'd been so gullible, that's why' her mind made up. She had expected him to round and laugh at her. She hadn't expected for him to turn his head, for there to be water in his eyes, for his cheeks to be dampened. Was this some sort of continuation of the joke? He had already won and humiliated her. What more was there to play? No, she forced into her mind. Caedwyn was intelligent, but he wasn't cruel. Had she been making things up in her head about the situation? Had she completely misunderstood what had happened just now between them?
Enya felt a small sense of hope swell inside her chest, hope that she was wrong. Hope that she had simply misunderstood the whole situation. Intermingled was a dash of relief. None of it stopped her beating heart in her chest, however. None of it helped to steady her quickened breaths. "I must be a little rusty" he spoke as he frowned and turned his eyes downward. Enya's lips fell to cover her teeth, but her mouth remained open slightly. Rusty? He was rusty? That's what had happened just now? For the first time tonight, her mind stopped thinking about her, and started thinking about him. She had no idea what sort of past Caedwyn held, what sort of experiences he had. It was easy to draw the lines that she was quite experienced, given her history in Vrolga alone. If one had watched her closely enough, they would have seen her down at the docks in Casfura, drinking her woes away and finding comfort in physical contact when her heart had been damaged and broken. She could see how it could be intimidating. Maybe... just maybe Enya wasn't the only one struggling with the whole situation. Caedwyn outwardly had appeared so confident and sure, but hadn't she as well? She'd spent the whole afternoon debating on going through with what had almost happened, and hadn't let Caedwyn see a second of it. Could it be that he'd been suffering the same fate for different reasons?
"This is kind of new for me. I haven't really had practice with... this" he confirmed. Enya stared at Caedwyn, unsure of how to react to the news. She didn't care, in all honesty. It wasn't about how much practice one had with intimacy that mattered to her, not in regards to Caedwyn. Brothels were a different story. They were professionals, and there was a standard to meet. But with him? She didn't care at all. In fact, a huge sense of relief washed over Enya. If that was the reason for why he'd abruptly left her, then the horrible thoughts that her mind had made up likely weren't true. He wasn't playing some cruel joke on her. He wasn't playing her as a fool. He was wounded, judging by the tears in his eyes. Probably embarrassed, if she had to guess.
She suddenly felt like shit for growling at him the way that she had. She'd made the whole thing about herself, instead of realizing that just maybe Caedwyn was going through shit as well. She closed her mouth and took a careful step towards Caedwyn, her tail still between her legs. Her ears folded back on her head as she took another step towards Caedwyn. She was doing everything in her power to show him that despite her growl earlier, she meant him no harm. "Caed, that's ok" she spoke softly as she took another step closer. "I didn't realize... I figured that because you're you..." She figured that because he was handsome, that because he was strong, that because he was desirable he'd had all sorts of opportunities presented to him. "I thought," She thought that he'd been evil towards her. She thought that he was pulling off the ultimate joke with her. "I thought that I had done something wrong." Another step closer. "We don't have to do this tonight." She was beside him now, lifting her muzzle to lick away the dampened fur on the cheeks of his face. "I'm probably not ready for this yet anyways." She rubbed the top of her head underneath his jaw, lifting his head from the drooped state he held it in. It was easy, him being taller than her. "I don't want to move to fast when I'm finally getting to know you." She pulled her head away to try and find his eyes. "You deserve someone who can give their selves to you fully. I don't know if I can do that just yet. I'm still recovering. I don't want our... relationship" She was hesitant to use the word, to imply that she was trying to infer something that wasn't there yet, but found herself unable to substitute another, "To be surface level. Unless... that's what you want?" She tried to read his eyes as she posed the question, tried to infer his true intentions in his answer. She sighed. "I'm sorry for growling at you. I... I just thought... I thought you wanted to hurt me. You know me. It's easier for me to be angry than to show how upset I am."
He was looking at the dirt in front of her paws, waiting for whatever harsh words she had for him. To his surprise, her feet moved and stepped closer to him. Her voice was soft and reassuring, much different than what he'd prepared himself for. "I didn't realize... I figured that because you're you..." His embarassment was put aside for a moment at her words as he grew puzzled by what she might have meant by that. How was 'you' being used as an adjective to describe him here? What sort of wolf did she think he was exactly? Was it a good thing or a bad thing? He wasn't quite sure whether to take this as an insult or a compliment, but clearly there had been some sort of misconception between them. He supposed it made sense. Maybe she was saying she had expected him to be a little more well rounded, a little more worn and practiced. That was part of the problem that had caused all this (well that and the fact he'd suddenly started thinking about his night with Rosita in the middle of things). She was moving closer to him still. He was anxious but her tone had seemed far less angry than before.
"I thought that I had done something wrong." His head lifted quickly at this. She had thought she'd done something? He'd gone and given her the completely wrong idea! "NO, you didn't do anything -" he started to interrupt her but his words cut off as she continued, and he left the soft touch of her tongue on his cheek. He had forgotten that he'd been crying and he remained still as she licked the damp tearstains from his fur. "We don't have to do this tonight." She didn't seem angry, but was this her way of pushing him away gently? Maybe tonight wasn't going to work out but what if she pushed him away entirely now? Would he ever get the opportunity to be near her like this again? "I'm probably not ready for this yet anyways." Her words further made him spiral into self doubt and loathing. Yup. This was it. It was a polite way of saying 'no' he figured. She was saying she wasn't ready but she obviously was just saying that to save his feelings. She wasn't the problem. It was him.
Yet, the more she started to explain, the more Caedwyn wondered if he was wrong. His heart was on a rollercoaster of hope and doubt, embarrassment, blame, and fantasies. He didn't want whatever-this-was between them to be over, so with each word his heart leapt, hoping somehow she was giving him a second chance. And at the same time, his mind shouted at him about how stupid he must have been in her eyes. She was saying she didn't want to move too fast. Was that saying they had taken things too far? But she said she was recovering.
For a moment he stopped being so self absorbed in his personal pity-party to consider her feelings here. She was right. They didn't really know too much about each other. They had shared history, and somehow their paths seemed to keep crossing time and time again; but what about all the times in-between? Caedwyn hadn't learned much, if anything, about her journeys before coming to the Realm. He knew before that she had lost both Rin and Andromache, and her children were scattered to the wind. She always seemed so confident that he hadn't stopped to consider how missing those relationships were affecting her. Or rather, he'd forgotten how it must have been affecting her. Wasn't that part of why they were here? He'd promised her to make this a home for her family. How selfish was he to forget that! He wanted to be with her but she was waiting to reunite with the ones she'd lost. Maybe she was being honest when she said she wasn't ready. Maybe he'd taken things too far, too fast.
But he wanted this. And it hurt to think she was slipping away from him again.
"I don't want our... relationship to be surface level. Unless... that's what you want?" Relationship? So maybe things weren't completely over between them? Not long ago he'd declared her his. But with everything that had happened since, he thought maybe she'd want to end things before they even started. If that was the case, why call it a relationship? Why ask him that question? He wondered if she thought that was truly all he wanted from her. Was that how he'd come across? Sure, he'd been caught up in the moment and overcome with lust, but he'd been around beautiful wolves before without that happening. She was still talking, letting out an apology before saying something that stabbed at his heart. "I... I just thought... I thought you wanted to hurt me." She was saying something about being angry but Caedwyn was still stuck on the words before. She had though... he wanted to hurt her?
"Don't ever say that," he said abruptly, with a sharp tone. Despite his nervousness, he felt compelled to comfort her. He raised from his sitting position to stand, taking a step forward and pushing his neck into the side of hers and wrapping his head around the top of her neck. He always forgot she was smaller than him and it was easy for him to lean over her in a reassuring touch. Her personality always made her seem so much larger than she actually was. "Don't even think that. I've never wanted to hurt you," At first he said it almost with a scolding tone but it transformed into a more vulnerable confession. "And I never meant to make you feel like I'm just trying to use you. That's not what I want either." His heart was beating fast again, not with lust but with a feeling of vulnerability as he tried to lay out his feelings for her.
"I-I'll wait, if that's what you want." He was scared saying the words and it came out like he was putting it all on her, when really he was the one who had messed up. He knew if he hadn't messed up, they probably wouldn't even be having this conversation. "You don't have to hide what you want from me. You're mine right?" He said the last part with his voice trembling. "That means we're in this together... right?"
He needed to know if this was over. Was she ready to trust him? To keep him by her side? Or had he ruined everything?
"No, you didn't do anything-" he had retorted, inwardly reassuring Enya that what had happened, what had occurred, or rather what hadn't occurred had not been because of her. Her evil mind making up stories of resentment, of playing the long game, of holding a grudge, was plucked and squashed like the nasty tick that it was. When she'd gotten to the part where she reluctantly mentioned that she thought he had wanted to hurt her, he suddenly seemed to snap out of whatever realm his mind had been living within. "Don't ever say that" he commanded of her with a sharp edge to his tone. He moved, then, and Enya froze once more, holding her breath to see what was about to happen next. A flash of her past - both of Andromache and Rin lashing out at her - quickly flickered through her mind. Both of them. Both of them had suddenly shifted into aggression with her if they didn't like what she had said. Would he do the same, with a tone so sharp?
Caedwyn stood beside her, pushed his neck into hers, then looped it over top to give her a different sort of embrace. Her legs shook from the touch as her emotions raged through her. She felt like a whirlwind. First, she'd felt doubt. Then, she'd felt lust. Her lust had quickly turned into resentment and embarrassment, and now she was feeling fragile. "I never wanted to hurt you," he spoke softly to her, continuing on to profess that he wasn't trying to use her, and that wasn't what he had wanted or intended. He proclaimed that he would wait, that she didn't have to hide what she wanted, and asked to be reassured that she was his. It was a lot to unfold, and the feeling of the emotions surging through Enya made her frown, unsure how to even answer Caedwyn's questions. Was she ready to proclaim herself to him? She had been ready moments ago, but that had been in the heat of the moment. Now that the lust wasn't involved, she had the chance to think with a clear head. Well, a clearer head.
This situation suddenly felt similar to another from her past. Back before she'd had mates. Back before she became educated in the ways of romance. "I'll continue to keep my feelings to myself. I've done it for this long. I can keep it up, if that's what you want." she had told her deep in the jungle of Vrolga. At the time, Enya had the thought to reject her. Two females together? That hadn't been how she was raised. And yet she hadn't. She'd accepted her advances, caught in the moment like she was and for a while, it had blossomed into a wonderful, beautiful relationship. They'd shared motherhood together. But then, it had all fallen apart in the blink of an eye, oddly enough, all because of Caedwyn, the very wolf who was standing here hugging her in a comforting embrace, telling her that he would wait.
She had to chose. She couldn't leave him dangling over the edge forever. She wouldn't be able to avoid him with their duties and responsibilities. She didn't want to avoid him. She was done with running away from situations. She'd made that promise to herself, and she fully intended to keep it. She had to answer him.
On one paw, she could say yes and it could be like she'd had before. It could be a beautiful relationship of love and compassion. It could be full of respect, full of support, and full of understanding and communication. They could live a wonderful life together. Perhaps, one day, she could even mother his children. She wasn't opposed to the idea. She'd fully planned to have children with Meliodas. She had even dreamed them up as she slept, what they might look like, and who they might take after.
On the other paw, she could say yes and it could unfold into a horrible, horrible disaster. She could frustrate him, infuriate him even. They'd fought so much in the past already, what's to say it wouldn't be the same in the future? At the moment, their responsibilities lived on roaming the lands and assessing the situation. What about when dissenters rose up to rival them and their lead? What if they disagreed? Would it turn into a bloodbath? What if they learned that they weren't right for one another? What if. What if. What if.
"Of course we're in this together" Enya declared before her mind could ponder the situation any longer. "We were always in this together" she spoke softer, realizing that saying such a phrase was certainly sealing her fate with Caedwyn. But before their fates could be sealed, he needed to know. He needed to understand what he was taking on with her. As she started to speak, she gently removed herself from Caedwyn's embrace so she could face him. Still, her tail remained tucked behind her. Still her legs quivered, and her heart pounded in her ears, and her breathing remained quick and uneven. "I just don't know if I'm worthy to be in a relationship with you, what with all the baggage that comes with me. It wouldn't be fair to you. It wouldn't be fair because, sometimes, I still think of Rin - frozen in stone and never given the chance for Tsillah to pass judgement on his Will. I still think of him because I miss him, and I know that I miss him because I still love him." Enya winced as she said the words, sure that hearing such a sentence would probably wound Caedwyn if she understood any bit of how he felt about her. But, Caedwyn had said she didn't have to hide things from him. Well, not in those exact words, but if they were to do this, he needed to understand what he was getting into with her.
Enya swallowed hard, trying to swallow down the lump growing her throat. When she spoke, her voice was soft and tender - fragile like how she felt. She was confessing to Caedwyn, so he might understand just a bit of why this was so difficult for her. "Before I ended up here" she started, lifting her eyes to watch the last colors of dusk fade across the sky, (she didn't dare look at Caedwyn, for fear of how horrified he might look at her profession of love) "I was planned to be Queen elsewhere. I'd jumped quickly into a relationship with someone else, a King formally of his kingdom. It started with... play, but I quickly fell in love with him through the time we spent together. He was kind, and taught me all about his gods and ways of life. He was a viking, and gave me a band to show his loyalty to me. I thought he loved me back, but when it came time to make things official in his Kingdom, he rejected me. Our breakup left me wounded and an outcast, exiled from his Kingdom for prostitution and for diminishing the reputation of the King." Her head dropped back down, her ears folded backwards as she quickly relived the horrible, horrible event in her head. "I had been alone for a couple weeks before I suddenly ended up here. Time has helped the wounds heal, helped the feeling of love fade, but I don't know if I'm ready to make myself vulnerable to such pain once more or, worse, cause another such pain as that which I felt." She swallowed hard. "Two failed relationships - three technically if you count Rin and Andromache as separate instances - has left me scared. It's left me to believe that it was me who ruined each of them and honestly, Caed, I don't think it's far from the truth." There had been a very long time where she'd truly and thoroughly hated herself and who she was. Clearly part of her mind still did, considering the horrible taunting and story it had made her believe. "I know I'm rambling, and I'm sure what I've said has only made our situation worse, but I'm just trying to help you understand. Even tonight, with you - and please don't take this as a slight against you, Caed - but even tonight I wasn't sure that I wanted to go through with... our intimacy. I didn't not want it, but I was scared that our friendship would be ruined. I value you Caedwyn. I didn't want to lose you over a rash decision."
Enya finally paused in her talking and dared to turn towards Caedwyn. She was terrified to see the look on his face, absolutely petrified to see and hear how he might react to what she had said. She had laid everything out for him, making it clear as day. "If you accept my baggage, then I would like to explore this situation further. I would like to earn the right to be your Queen." Enya swallowed hard, trying to hear herself past the hammering tha-thump in her chest. "If my baggage is not acceptable - which I would completely understand - then this must be the end of any sort of relationship past a friendship. I must remain as simply the Queen of our pack. I can't handle falling in love with someone who could never love me back again, and that's what would happen if our intimacy continued to be physical. That's not something I can endure again." There. She'd said it all. She'd opened her heart to him and spilled it out on the floor at his paws. She shook, still, from the emotions, from the fear of his true rejection. Her heart ached as her mind immediately started to create answers for him. How had they gone from playing together earlier in the day, jesting with one another, to this? She just prayed to Tsillah that if Caedwyn was going to reject her, he would at least do so gently.
He was relieved when she confirmed that they were in it together. He let out a long breath of relief, realizing he'd had it pent up inside while he waited on her reply. Unfortunately, his relief was short lived as she continued, going on to explain how she thought she was unworthy and even going beyond that to explain that she was still in love with Rin. Caedwyn didn't expect her to suddenly fall head-over-heels for him, but it angered him to hear her confess her love for Rin so openly in front of him (despite him telling her not to hide anything only moments before). "Fuck that guy." He thought angrily. Caedwyn had met Rin in Athadia long before Enya had. He'd shared a drunken night of fun and games with the male, but it was a far stretch to say they were friends, even back then. Caedwyn's dislike of the male had grown exponentially when Enya had taken him as a mate. Looking back now, it made sense for Caedwyn to dislike him and he wondered if perhaps it had been a deep-rooted jealousy that made him dislike Rin. But despite the dislike, he'd tolerated the male simply because it was Enya's mate. He'd tolerated the male when Rin chose to belittle him, berate him, and abuse him when he returned home injured and pursued by Athadians when he'd been caught spying on them. He hated Rin. He hated how Enya chose Rin over him and yet still, he tolerated it. He wasn't sure he could tolerate this though. Rin was still making a mockery of him, chiseling out a place in Enya's heart and making her choose Rin over himself.
His jaw clenched in quiet irritation, allowing Enya to continue as he contemplated what to say about Rin. She detailed the tale of her history after she'd left Vrolga - a history Caedwyn still hadn't learned. Another relationship. Another loss. Hell, he'd even forgotten about Andromache. He was over here feeling sorry for himself over messing up this one time but Enya had endured countless heartaches. He wanted to feel sorry for her - and deep down he understood why she might be reluctant to open herself up to hurt again - but he was still angry about Rin. Even as she explained that her unsure feelings were because she didn't want to ruin things Caedwyn felt a bit of jealousy. Was it because she was scared of a bad outcome? Or was it really because she was still stuck on Rin? Rin was a problem. He wasn't dead. He hadn't betrayed Enya. He was just simply frozen. And right now that meant Enya was frozen right there with him. She was stuck. That was all Caedwyn could think about.
He sat there quietly as she directed the conversation, turning it back to him, making him decide if he wanted to accept her faults. Everything he wanted to say sounded self-serving in his mind. He wanted to be angry with her, to tell her she shouldn't be so hard on herself. He wanted to tell her to forget Rin. But all of that would hurt her and he knew it. So what was he supposed to say to that?
"I can love you," he said quietly, thoughtfully. "The last time that I was... with someone..." he swallowed, his nerves suddenly getting the better of him for a moment before he continued. "... I was so drunk that I didn't even know what I was doing. I-I didn't even know it happened really. But this time - " He took a small step to the side so he could look down at her face. " - I chose this. I chose you, Enya. I've always chosen you, and I always will." With everything they'd been through, how could she not see that? Even when she'd exiled him. Even when they fought. He still kept coming back time and time again. As far as he was concerned, their fates were sealed.
He felt a twist in his stomach. How was he supposed to say what was on his mind? He knew she wouldn't be happy to hear it and he didn't want her to be hurt by revealing her true feelings. But Caedwyn didn't want to lie to her either. He didn't want to stand there and pretend that it didn't bother him. "Can you love me back?" he asked, his voice clear and straightforward back. "I'm not asking you to love me today, or tomorrow even... but how can you find room in your heart to love me when you're heart is already taken?" He let out a sigh and glanced away for a moment. He continued to speak quietly, careful not to come off scolding - as much as he wanted to yell at her. This wasn't the time for yelling. It was the time for truths. "You don't know if Rin is ever coming back. Are you willing to throw away someone who is here now, right in front of you? Someone who wants to love you... all for a memory?"
The closest emotion Enya felt when she finally looked at Caedwyn was relief. Not relief because he hadn't lashed out, exactly, but relief because he was still standing there. He hadn't taken the opportunity to turn his back on her again. He didn't look particularly wounded by her words, though she could see something echoing in his eyes and on his facial features. What, she couldn't say. She wasn't skilled at reading others' emotions so delicately, and she certainly did not possess any sort of magic that would allow her to do as such. "I can love you" he spoke softly, then went on to explain that last time he had been with someone, it was under the influence of alcohol. Inwardly, she laughed. Alcohol was such a dangerous drug. Outwardly, she remained careful and cautious. She was feeling more vulnerable and fragile than ever. He moved to readjust his stance, moved to look her in the eyes, and declared that he had chosen her. He had always chosen her. She wondered just how long Caedwyn had lurked in the shadows with these emotions withheld. She wondered how her life might have been different if she hadn't accepted Andromache's proclamation. What would her life look like if she had never accepted Rin into her heart.
Weak of Will a distant voice whispered into her mind. The voice was so sudden and jarring that it made her visibly perk her ears. Weak of Will? Did the voice mean she was weak of Will? She shook her head to rid herself of the thoughts and refocused once more on Caedwyn. Fuck off, voice, she thought, to try and dismiss it.
"Can you love me back?" he suddenly asked her, helping to rid herself fully of the voice. There was no quiver in his tone. There was no uncertainty. He continued, and Enya picked up on what he was really asking her. 'Can you forget Rin' was his real question.
Weak of Will that same distant voice whispered into her mind once more. Who the hell was this voice whispering to her in a moment like this? The voice was feminine, she deciphered, but it was no voice she could remember hearing ever before. She took the briefest moment of time to glance around them as Caedwyn turned his own eyes about to see if there was some other wolf spying on them. At the same time, she focused on her water element to touch the creatures in the vicinity. She found plenty of life in the plants and bugs and vermin about, waking for their night time strolls, but not a single wolf, not a single canid, for that matter.
"You don't know if Rin is ever coming back. Are you willing to throw away someone who is here now right in front of you? Someone who wants to love you all for a memory?" No, she quickly decided. She wasn't willing to throw away someone who wanted to offer her a life of love and affection, of security and peace. She didn't want to let this chance slip her by. And yet, when she started to open her muzzle to say as much, she lost the words as they came from her mouth. She'd clearly started to say something, but her muzzle clamped shut with not a single syllable leaving her. She stopped, because in that moment, she envisioned Rin. She envisioned his smoky soot colored pelt. She envisioned the mark on his head, the dates that they had, the care he offered her.
Weak of Will! The voice now boomed in her mind, demanding her attention and causing her to look skywards. Who the fuck was YELLING into her brain in this moment?! More memories poured through her mind's eye suddenly: Rin's demon form attacking her and nearly ripping off a leg. Andromache cowering from his demon and Enya forced to save her from the onslaught. Rin's lost memory as he laid up in a medical den, forgetting who he was and equally who she and Andromache were. Rin's brother, who he had abandoned for a life in the pack beside her. Lastly, Rin's face was presented, frozen in stone, staring out into the desert dunes forever. WEAK OF WILL! The voice boomed once more, nearly deafening Enya.
This voice wasn't accusing her of having a weak Will, she pieced together as the pictures flashed by. This voice was accusing Rin of being weak of Will. Was... was this Tsillah talking to her? She felt a laughter in her mind, saw a flash of a black-faced wolf dressed up in dripping tar with eyes as white as the stars above. She grinned, and between her teeth was what she assumed was a soul.
It was swallowed whole.
Outwardly, Enya took a moment to answer Caedwyn's question. The pause had been longer than she had intended. "He was the only one of the family who was frozen in stone. None of the children, not myself, nor Andromache had suffered such a fate. Not you, either." she acknowledged, looking at Caedwyn with renewed admiration. "I don't think he's ever coming back." she confessed. "And I'm not going to let a memory hold me back. That's not how Tsillah would want me to prove my worth to her." She took a step forward, to close the distance between them once more. She lingered, her muzzle pointed upwards just a breath from his own. "It would be weak of me to let him hold me back from something that could be beautiful." She touched his muzzle gently with the side of hers, not a kiss, but a soft, tender brush of affection. She was risking it all, opening herself to Caedwyn. She had to trust that he wouldn't rip her heart out and stomp all over it. Maybe he would. Maybe eventually what was blossoming would wilt away. She was willing to give it chance. She was willing to test herself, to let herself have another chance at a happy life. She'd been ready with Meliodas, despite the surface level affection. She was most certainly ready to test the waters with Caedwyn, a wolf who openly admitted to being willing to love her back.
This evening had been a test, and admission, and a trial all rolled into one long-awaited event. It was a risk she was willing to take with him. "I'm confident I can love you back." she whispered, feeling deep down inside that perhaps the feeling had already been growing within her since their very first meeting together. A repressed feeling, but a feeling nonetheless, one that creeped up inside her more than once when they'd spent time together. Perhaps not love yet, but it was only a matter of time. "I will give my whole heart to you to hold. Please, keep it safe and secure."
