Her response didn’t seem to be the one he was looking for. His ears folded back. His eyes moved away from her, moving to look around them as she had done before. It only heightened the anxiety that she felt within herself. It took every ounce of her self-control to still her mind, still her body from visibly shaking from the encounter. This was tougher than any fight she’d been in through her life. This was tougher than confessing her love for Rin, Andromache, Meliodas. She wasn’t good at these sort of situations. She was good with confidence. She was good with those who just said what they wanted to say and left it at that. It was easier to respond to those sort of situations, because then there was no confusion or misunderstanding. This dance. This tango. It was confusing for her. Exhausting. Her already mentally-drained mind was worse for wear, and this conversation wasn’t making it any easier. Perhaps she should have slinked away when she’d heard him calling for her. She could have avoided this whole interaction. That wasn’t how friends treated their friends, though. They were supposed to be there to listen. To comfort. To soothe. Remembering this, she stilled her anxiety and grit her teeth. She wouldn’t let her emotions rule her life once more and destroy what little she had remaining. ‘I want a home’ Confidence flowed from him this time. The sheepish wolf she’d witnessed a moment ago had seemingly disappeared at her prompting to explain further. He elaborated. He spoke aloud what she’d been feeling for the past month. She’d been miserable. She’d been chasing a longing with a hopeless end in sight. He wanted her to choose. He wanted her to decide right here and now if she was going to continue scouring the lands for her hopes and dreams, or if she was going to settle. Caedwyn’s words at the heart were kind. She felt it. She understood that he was only proposing this as an option to help her. However, the self-harming side of her made her fold her own ears backwards and turn her gaze downwards. She felt a feeling of resentment towards Caedwyn suddenly. He was telling her to choose between finding her family, or between giving up on them. She’d given up on so much already. A heavy sigh escape Enya as her head hung low. Her entire posture shifted from anxious to slumped and depressed. “That’s a heavy choice to make so suddenly.” she muttered towards him. “Most of my life I've given up on various parts of it. I gave up on Ixora and took her place in Vrolga. I gave up on finding a cure for Rin. I gave up on Andromache. I gave up on my children. I gave up on repairing Vrolga. I gave up on my second chance at life with Meliodas. I gave up on the people in my kingdom. Now, you’re asking me to give up once more.” Her eyes tilted upwards to look at Caedwyn, though her body posture remained defeated. He had clearly stated that he was not asking for her to give up, but those words were lost to her. To her, that’s exactly what it would be if she settled here with him. “I’d just be running away again, leaving my problems behind.” Her signature move she’d used throughout her entire life. “I used to believe that my surname was a curse, a foretold fortune. Fault. I am a fault to this world. Every action, every decision is a fault of my own. Every encounter, my faults ruin them in ways only one with my surname could do.” She was rambling now, speaking aloud her thoughts to Caedwyn so he could try and understand why such a choice was so difficult to make. “I met my mother in the planes of the eternal, with a dreamwalker guiding me. She told me that my surname is a blessing. It’s our family’s way of proving that we are more than a fault on this planet. Embrace it, she said. Display your faults proudly. Let others judge you, and let others fail to see you for what you truly are.” She wasn’t making any sense, but it was important to her - suddenly - for Caedwyn to know why she was so hard on herself. It was important for him to see that she understood that she was not perfect. It was important for him to see that she was trying to be better than the wolf she was before. “How is it embracing my surname when it feels like I'm just following the same path once more?” A rhetorical question to Caedwyn, but a question that she posed to him regardless. “I don’t think my own happiness is more important than changing how I react to situations. I’ve had happiness. I don’t know if I deserve more. What does my own happiness matter when there are those who depend on me that I’m leaving behind?” "Speech." |
A Small Flame Burns a Bright Candle