Muddy River — The Shape of Dreams

"No, you didn't do anything-" he had retorted, inwardly reassuring Enya that what had happened, what had occurred, or rather what hadn't occurred had not been because of her. Her evil mind making up stories of resentment, of playing the long game, of holding a grudge, was plucked and squashed like the nasty tick that it was. When she'd gotten to the part where she reluctantly mentioned that she thought he had wanted to hurt her, he suddenly seemed to snap out of whatever realm his mind had been living within. "Don't ever say that" he commanded of her with a sharp edge to his tone. He moved, then, and Enya froze once more, holding her breath to see what was about to happen next. A flash of her past - both of Andromache and Rin lashing out at her - quickly flickered through her mind. Both of them. Both of them had suddenly shifted into aggression with her if they didn't like what she had said. Would he do the same, with a tone so sharp? Caedwyn stood beside her, pushed his neck into hers, then looped it over top to give her a different sort of embrace. Her legs shook from the touch as her emotions raged through her. She felt like a whirlwind. First, she'd felt doubt. Then, she'd felt lust. Her lust had quickly turned into resentment and embarrassment, and now she was feeling fragile. "I never wanted to hurt you," he spoke softly to her, continuing on to profess that he wasn't trying to use her, and that wasn't what he had wanted or intended. He proclaimed that he would wait, that she didn't have to hide what she wanted, and asked to be reassured that she was his. It was a lot to unfold, and the feeling of the emotions surging through Enya made her frown, unsure how to even answer Caedwyn's questions. Was she ready to proclaim herself to him? She had been ready moments ago, but that had been in the heat of the moment. Now that the lust wasn't involved, she had the chance to think with a clear head. Well, a clearer head.  This situation suddenly felt similar to another from her past. Back before she'd had mates. Back before she became educated in the ways of romance. "I'll continue to keep my feelings to myself. I've done it for this long. I can keep it up, if that's what you want." she had told her deep in the jungle of Vrolga. At the time, Enya had the thought to reject her. Two females together? That hadn't been how she was raised. And yet she hadn't. She'd accepted her advances, caught in the moment like she was and for a while, it had blossomed into a wonderful, beautiful relationship. They'd shared motherhood together. But then, it had all fallen apart in the blink of an eye, oddly enough, all because of Caedwyn, the very wolf who was standing here hugging her in a comforting embrace, telling her that he would wait.  She had to chose. She couldn't leave him dangling over the edge forever. She wouldn't be able to avoid him with their duties and responsibilities. She didn't want to avoid him. She was done with running away from situations. She'd made that promise to herself, and she fully intended to keep it. She had to answer him.  On one paw, she could say yes and it could be like she'd had before. It could be a beautiful relationship of love and compassion. It could be full of respect, full of support, and full of understanding and communication. They could live a wonderful life together. Perhaps, one day, she could even mother his children. She wasn't opposed to the idea. She'd fully planned to have children with Meliodas. She had even dreamed them up as she slept, what they might look like, and who they might take after.  On the other paw, she could say yes and it could unfold into a horrible, horrible disaster. She could frustrate him, infuriate him even. They'd fought so much in the past already, what's to say it wouldn't be the same in the future? At the moment, their responsibilities lived on roaming the lands and assessing the situation. What about when dissenters rose up to rival them and their lead? What if they disagreed? Would it turn into a bloodbath? What if they learned that they weren't right for one another? What if. What if. What if. "Of course we're in this together" Enya declared before her mind could ponder the situation any longer. "We were always in this together" she spoke softer, realizing that saying such a phrase was certainly sealing her fate with Caedwyn. But before their fates could be sealed, he needed to know. He needed to understand what he was taking on with her. As she started to speak, she gently removed herself from Caedwyn's embrace so she could face him. Still, her tail remained tucked behind her. Still her legs quivered, and her heart pounded in her ears, and her breathing remained quick and uneven. "I just don't know if I'm worthy to be in a relationship with you, what with all the baggage that comes with me. It wouldn't be fair to you. It wouldn't be fair because, sometimes, I still think of Rin - frozen in stone and never given the chance for Tsillah to pass judgement on his Will. I still think of him because I miss him, and I know that I miss him because I still love him." Enya winced as she said the words, sure that hearing such a sentence would probably wound Caedwyn if she understood any bit of how he felt about her. But, Caedwyn had said she didn't have to hide things from him. Well, not in those exact words, but if they were to do this, he needed to understand what he was getting into with her.  Enya swallowed hard, trying to swallow down the lump growing her throat. When she spoke, her voice was soft and tender - fragile like how she felt. She was confessing to Caedwyn, so he might understand just a bit of why this was so difficult for her. "Before I ended up here" she started, lifting her eyes to watch the last colors of dusk fade across the sky, (she didn't dare look at Caedwyn, for fear of how horrified he might look at her profession of love) "I was planned to be Queen elsewhere. I'd jumped quickly into a relationship with someone else, a King formally of his kingdom. It started with... play, but I quickly fell in love with him through the time we spent together. He was kind, and taught me all about his gods and ways of life. He was a viking, and gave me a band to show his loyalty to me. I thought he loved me back, but when it came time to make things official in his Kingdom, he rejected me. Our breakup left me wounded and an outcast, exiled from his Kingdom for prostitution and for diminishing the reputation of the King." Her head dropped back down, her ears folded backwards as she quickly relived the horrible, horrible event in her head. "I had been alone for a couple weeks before I suddenly ended up here. Time has helped the wounds heal, helped the feeling of love fade, but I don't know if I'm ready to make myself vulnerable to such pain once more or, worse, cause another such pain as that which I felt." She swallowed hard. "Two failed relationships - three technically if you count Rin and Andromache as separate instances - has left me scared. It's left me to believe that it was me who ruined each of them and honestly, Caed, I don't think it's far from the truth." There had been a very long time where she'd truly and thoroughly hated herself and who she was. Clearly part of her mind still did, considering the horrible taunting and story it had made her believe. "I know I'm rambling, and I'm sure what I've said has only made our situation worse, but I'm just trying to help you understand. Even tonight, with you - and please don't take this as a slight against you, Caed - but even tonight I wasn't sure that I wanted to go through with... our intimacy. I didn't not want it, but I was scared that our friendship would be ruined. I value you Caedwyn. I didn't want to lose you over a rash decision."  Enya finally paused in her talking and dared to turn towards Caedwyn. She was terrified to see the look on his face, absolutely petrified to see and hear how he might react to what she had said. She had laid everything out for him, making it clear as day. "If you accept my baggage, then I would like to explore this situation further. I would like to earn the right to be your Queen." Enya swallowed hard, trying to hear herself past the hammering tha-thump in her chest. "If my baggage is not acceptable - which I would completely understand - then this must be the end of any sort of relationship past a friendship. I must remain as simply the Queen of our pack. I can't handle falling in love with someone who could never love me back again, and that's what would happen if our intimacy continued to be physical. That's not something I can endure again." There. She'd said it all. She'd opened her heart to him and spilled it out on the floor at his paws. She shook, still, from the emotions, from the fear of his true rejection. Her heart ached as her mind immediately started to create answers for him. How had they gone from playing together earlier in the day, jesting with one another, to this? She just prayed to Tsillah that if Caedwyn was going to reject her, he would at least do so gently.  "Speech."