Muddy River — The Shape of Dreams

He couldn't see the sharp gaze she laid upon him. When she answered, her words echoed his own. Her tone wasn't apologetic. She wasn't apologizing. Her words sounded annoyed, or maybe confused. Definitely not apologizing. It was like a mockery of what he'd just said to her. He didn't respond to it and kept himself still, his head turned and hung somewhat low. His ears were flipped back in disappointment though perhaps to her it may have looked like his ears were turned to listen to her words. His eyes closed and shut tightly. His jaw clenched. Such a failure! He wasn't sure he'd ever get another moment like this and it felt like all the longing he had for her was slipping just out of his reach. Why should she even give him the time of day after all this? He was a joke! Their friendship was fragile at best and he'd spectacularly ruined the moment with whatever the hell had come over him back there. Why would she bother giving him another chance if she thought he wasn't going to cross the finish line? She could have her choice of mates and it wasn't like Caedwyn could stop her from looking elsewhere if she desired.  Was this where he lost her completely? He felt hot tears swell in his eyes and he shut them even tighter, hoping to keep them at bay. It was futile. The fur on his face was wet as the tears slipped silently down. What have I done? I've ruined everything. He was angry and ashamed of himself. He was angry at the past. Angry that a drunken night so long ago had now managed to affect him now. Sure, he'd grown quite fond of Rosita back then, but it had all been a lie. He'd been a spy! It wasn't like he could ever really love Rosita. They'd never shared the hardships that he and Enya had. He wanted Enya. So why now did he suddenly remember that night? Most of all, he was angry at himself. If he had more control back then, if he'd not let himself get so drunk and partake in the pleasures of flesh this wouldn't have happened. "Why..." she growled out. Enya's voice cut him and he let out a startled gasp, turning quickly toward her. She had growled at him. His watery eyes were looking directly at her now and he could see the burning hate in her eyes. He had betrayed and failed her. He wanted to show her how strong he was. He wanted to show her that he could make her his. But how could he do that when he couldn't even manage such a simple task as lying with her? If he couldn't even satisfy her, what kind of king was he? He wanted to scream out and apologize again. He wanted to explain all his doubts and worries but they rose up in his throat like a thick knot. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and his jaw quivered as he licked his lips in an uncomfortable way, trying to force words to come out. He had to face her wrath and the mockery that was sure to follow. A heat rose in his face. Was she able to see the embarrassment that burned on his cheeks? "I-I must be a little rusty," he stammered out, his ears flicking backward in shame. It wasn't exactly the truth but it was the only thing he could manage to say. 'Rusty' was certainly twisting things. His mouth turned downward into a frown and he dipped his head to break eye contact with her. Could she see right through that lie? It felt just as shameful to imply that he was simply out of practice, but he didn't want her to think he was completely incompetent. And he certainly wasn't going to reveal that he'd been startled by remembering his night with Rosita. So what was the right thing to do here? He sighed heavily as he looked at the ground in front of her feet. "Wait." He said it heavily with a voice that was clearly a confession. "The truth is..." he took a breath in and let it out heavily. "This is kind of new for me. I haven't really had practice with ... well, you know... this." His face burned even hotter. Was it showing through his fur? He felt like a teenager confessing a crush. He was certainly much too old to be admitting that he'd lived most of his life like a prude. He spent all this time flirting and implying suggestive things with nearly everyone he met - especially with Enya - only for the truth to come out that he had very little experience in that department. What would she think of him now? --- Speech.